BONUS: Processing Emotions and Learning to Forgive with Essence Turner

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Processing Emotions and Learning to Forgive with Essence Turner

Continuing with our series highlighting the amazing work of our Black students over here, I have the awe-inspiring Essence Turner on the show. Essence is a radical forgiveness coach and an expert in self-love, and what she has to share today is incredibly important.

To say that Essence had a rough start in life is an understatement. She had to work through serious abandonment and build a life from the ground up. She never gave up, and when she shifted her focus and started working on her own personal development and practicing radical forgiveness, everything changed for her. And now, she’s a successful coach and has shown herself to be a real leader in my 2K for 2K program.

Tune in for this bonus episode to discover the struggle that made Essence who she is today and how she worked her way from a life she knew she didn’t want into a vibrant leader who has dedicated her life to helping others work through their trauma. Essence is sharing how to hold a safe space for yourself and others in the healing process, and how we can collectively use that to heal from the pain of recent events.

If you want to start making serious money as a coach, you need to check out 2K for 2K. Click here to join!

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • How Essence first discovered that her purpose was to help people.
  • The moment that Essence realized she wanted and deserved more for her life.
  • How Essence was able to continue to pursue a better life for herself despite her worst-case scenario manifesting in the process.
  • What changed for Essence when she started pursuing her creative dreams and consuming personal development.
  • Why Essence knew she was destined to be a radical forgiveness coach and the importance of helping people from an emotionally clean place.
  • The importance of holding space for others in their healing process, having someone to hold space for you when you’re healing, and why it’s okay to feel violated if that safe space isn’t maintained.
  • How Essence helps her clients work through their past trauma when medication and conventional therapy don’t work.
  • Essence’s thoughts on how our communities can heal as a collective from the pain of recent weeks instead of actively avoiding their pain.
  • What Essence believes is behind people who can’t bring themselves to sympathize with the struggle for equality that is happening in our country, and how she tries to help them.

Listen to the Full Episode:

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Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to the Make Money as a Life Coach podcast, where sales expert and master coach Stacey Boehman teaches you how to make your first 2K, 20K, and 200K using her proven formula.

Stacey: Hey, coaches. I have Essence Turner here and we are doing a special podcast today. And let’s just dive in. Why don’t you start with an introduction to who you are, what you do as a coach, and how you found coaching, how you got into coaching. And we’re just going to have a powerful conversation and go from there.

Essence: Okay, so, I am a certified radical forgiveness coach and self-love coach and I help women who have experienced childhood abuse and abandonment to feel whole again. And that is basically how my story starts, is when I was in my 20s – this is where my coaching journey began – I realized I kept dating the same types of guys over and over again.

They were probably, like, dating someone else, in some sort of relationship. they just couldn’t commit in some way. And then one day, this very wise thought came in and said, “If you keep dating the same types of guys, it’s you, not them.” And so, I had watched this speaker before. I didn’t really take it in, but I knew of their stuff, so then that kind of set me out on this journey of figuring out what was going on inside of me.

And what I came to know was that I had abandonment issues from my dad not raising me. And so, the belief that came with that is, “I’m unlovable. I’m not worthy. If my dad didn’t love me, no man will ever love me.” And so, it just became this self-fulfilling prophecy ever since I was 14. My first boyfriend even had a girlfriend, when I was in the ninth grade.

Stacey: In the ninth grade…

Essence: And just the seeking for male attention, in all honesty, just led me on this path where I became – I moved to Atlanta to get away from an abusive relationship, and then I became a stripper. There was a time I was about to not be able to pay my rent and have to move back. And I knew, if I went back, I would have to be his girlfriend again.

So, I started dancing. But, to be honest, a part of me felt like, “Well now a man can really see me,” you know. And so, that was just my thought. And so, I just went on this dark journey of the underworld, drinking and partying. And I spend nine years in that environment.

And then I climbed my way out because, again, I knew there was more out there. but I just had to get out of that environment and I said, “I don’t care if my house gets foreclosed. I don’t care if my car gets repo. I’m not freaking going back.” And my car did get repo…

Stacey: People think that’s, like, worst-case scenario. So, can I just ask a question – I don’t want to interrupt too much – but was there a specific moment that was a breaking point for you of, like, this must change? Or did it feel like this gradual nagging? How did that happen and then how did you navigate that worst-case scenario happening?

People don’t want to take action because they’re like, “I’m afraid I would lose this. I’m afraid that this might happen.” And one of the things that you were afraid might happen did happen. So, I’m curious about that too and how you navigated that.

Essence: So, the whole time that I was dancing, I was always trying to get out. Like, I took a bartending certification and I started working two days at this bar. And then they lost their liquor license. Then I went to massage therapy school, and that was another seed planed in me. I didn’t take a whole lot of the holistic stuff in, but I knew I was supposed to help people in some way.

So, I went through massage school, and then I interned and I just knew I was going to get the job, and I didn’t. And I let that mean that I’m not good enough. And so, I went back into that environment. I was always trying to get out, but my mind wasn’t strong enough to stay out when I met an obstacle. I would just go back.

I would make it mean that I was supposed to be there. And so, then, when I got close to 30, or hit 30, it was just like something was, like, if I don’t get out now, I’m going to be like some of the girls who are 40 still dancing, and I can’t. I can’t. I spent my whole 20s there.

And so, then that was just that moment, like, you’ve just got to burn the bridge. Because I knew what was ahead of me. I see people doing this in their 40s. So, I stopped.

Stacey: So then, you got your car repossessed. So, tell me about that. How did you handle, like the worst-case – you know what I mean, worst-case scenario on your list. How did you handle that?

Essence: Oh, it was really scary. I ended up getting a bartender job, so my car got repossessed. I had a boyfriend at the time and we were here at the house. And then my car was just going down the street. And it was just one of those moments where, I mean, I didn’t have the money to get it back. I refused to go and dance to make the money and I’m just like, “I will figure it out.”

So, I ended up getting a bartending job, maybe less than 2 miles from my home, so I could get back and forth easily. And then, even that job, I made probably like $50 a day. I went from hundreds of dollars a day to $50 a day because they had just opened. But I was like, “I don’t care. I’m not going back.” And I just did my best to save that money to buy a cash car. And I bought an $1100 beater…

Stacey: Oh, I know all about the $1100 beaters, let me tell you. I’ve had many of those in my life.

Essence: Yeah, and so that was just kind of the – so, I was there and I started making more money. It ticked up and it was good and I was able to get myself out of the hole. But I was still in this environment of drinking and having to look sexy for money. And then, so I eventually knew there was still another level that I had to go.

So then, I started working in restaurants that, like, closed at 10. I had the tie and everything. I can’t e in that environment anymore and be who I know I’m supposed to be. And so, once I got myself out of there, then I started going deeper into my spiritual journey, if you want to ask anything.

Stacey: Yeah, what was your first interaction with any kind of, like, spiritual coaching, personal development? And how did you find that? I’m curious. I’m always curious with everybody how they find it and how they enter into this world.

Essence: Okay, so when I was bartending, I started making jewelry and feather earrings because I was just drinking, watching Netflix, and something inside of me said, “You need a hobby.” And I said, “Well, I want some feather earrings. Maybe I’ll make them.” I made them. Then people started asking me to buy them. So then, I just started making jewelry.

And being in that creative space – you know all about it, that experience speaks to you. And then, I went from making Jewelry listening to Nicki Minaj to listening to The Alchemist and to Personal Development. And then, I think my consciousness began to grow from there.

Stacey: That’s so fun. I remember still to this day where I was the first time I listened to The Alchemist. I remember, that feels like – it’s so interesting that you brought that up. It’s like a pivotal moment for me too. It was one of the first books I read.

Essence: Absolutely, and so then I started to say, “Okay, I want to completely leave that lifestyle along. I need to meet some new people. And so, I started going on to Meetup and I found this intuitive development group. And I was just feeling really lost on how to move forward. But someone in the group, a psychic said, “You’re supposed to be a radical forgiveness coach.” I’d never heard of it.

But I was just lost and open, so I went home and Googled it, watched some things on YouTube, and then I ordered the book. And when I opened the book, he says that his mission is to raise the consciousness of the planet through forgiveness. And something in me, in my gut, knew I was on that mission with him.

And so, that was the real beginning of my journey and signing up. And I committed that I’m not just going to take the certification just to make money and hope people – I’m going to help myself first. And I said the words, “I want to be clean when I coach people. I want to…”

Stacey: That’s so fascinating.

Essence: Yeah, I want to be whole and know that I’m seeing them for them and not seeing them through my own wounds. So, I was working with a radical forgiveness coach as mentor and then I got a life coach, somebody to help me through some limiting beliefs.

Stacey: Can I stop you for a second and just ask you if you remember specifically which limiting beliefs?

Essence: Yeah, I’m not lovable. That was the very first one. I wanted him to help me with, “I’m not lovable.” And he did this NLP type thing on me. And I remember feeling like, “What is he doing? This is fake.” And I could feel, like, my brain rewiring. But it was so weird and foreign to me, that I’m like, “I’m not doing this again.”

But it totally worked. Like, I did leave the session feeling more empowered, the way I interacted with my boyfriend that day, I could feel a change in me. But I also told myself, “I can keep doing this on my own. Like, I can do this on my own.”

And so, I went that whole year without being coached. And then the next year, 2014, and I saw that my growth, I felt like I only moved just like two notches, like barely moved. And so, I reached back out to him and said, “I need help.” And then, we coached the next several years, working through, you know, my shame around dancing, my abandonment issues.

Because I got myself a good way, but there was just a lot there that I was unwilling to feel. And also, I didn’t know really just how to be with it, you know. So, having him there to hold the space and guide me through really helped to help me heal and expand my consciousness more and more.

Stacey: Yeah, and so when did you decide to actually start taking clients, and then how did you find 2K? I’d love to hear about that.

Essence: Okay, so the full circle moment came when I actually met the creator and author of Radical Forgiveness. And I met him at a seminar he was going here, and he asked me to be a part of his team. We really clicked. And so, I worked for him for three years. Then, I decided to step into online coaching, because we did things in person.

So, last year, I was dipping my toe into bringing my business online and still working a job. And while I was working, I heard you on Brooke’s podcast, and I looked you up, saw your podcast. And every day while I was going to the job, your podcast gave me life and I kept just getting re-excited about building an online business.

And so, that was summer of last year. And then, I enrolled in February. I had this moment of, like, “I don’t have $2000 to just put into 2K at once.” There was a payment plan, yeah. So, I just started thinking – it was like being open. And then, all of a sudden, I was like, “I don’t have any credit cards. I could get a credit card. And just put the $2000 on the credit card and make that money back and pay that credit card off.”

Stacey: And I thought it was so powerful that you said too that you could not make it mean anything about you that you had credit card debt.

Essence: Yeah, I’m not going to make, “Oh no, you can’t charge $2000. That’s going to be debt. What if we don’t make it back?” I didn’t even think. I said – well, of course it came to my mind, but I said, “I’m not going to make it mean that. I’m going to know that I’m going to make that money back and I’m just going to pay it off.”

And that’s exactly what I did. So, my first client that I got in 2K paid in full, which was my first ever pain-in-full client. And I took that money and put it back to the credit card.

Stacey: Isn’t that so fascinating though, that you were willing to figure out how to pay in full, and in return, you were able to sell a pay-in-full payment.

Essence: Absolutely. And that was so simple. It wasn’t even hard. She had one little objection. She said something about thinking she could do it herself and I told her, you know, about when I had that same thought and my experience. And she said, “Okay, you’re right.” And then just…

Stacey: Why do you think that we struggle to do it on our own?

Essence: We struggle to do it on our own because I don’t think you really know the power of having somebody hold space for you. And one of the things in radical forgiveness where that’s one of the steps is you put having somebody hold space for you is the step to heal.

Stacey: Tell us more about that. Why is that the case? Why do you believe that?

Essence: Because when we are – a lot of our pain happens when we’re young, and so where we’re sharing our story and sharing our pain, we want someone there holding the space, loving you, making you feel like you didn’t do anything wrong. And it’s so healing to just let someone – when somebody allows you to tell your story, just hear you, not try to fix you, not try to tell you you’re wrong, or, “Maybe your mom didn’t mean that.”

Like, there’s a time and place for that. So, in the beginning of our sessions on radical forgiveness, we totally let people be the victim. We let them fully feel their feelings for a couple of weeks until they fully process. Then we start coaching and shifting their mindset.

And I don’t think we, when we’re doing it on our own, we can either get stuck in victim, or we don’t really let ourselves go there. You get one little tear in the corner and you’re like, “I’m done.” So, like, look how much I cried in our session in 2K. And when I was crying on my own, it was just a little – I mean, I cried, I blew my nose, and I’m like, “I’m done.” I thought I was done. I didn’t know how much more was still there.

Stacey: Yeah, I think it’s so powerful to have someone that can help you stay in the pain long enough to process it.

Essence: Absolutely.

Stacey: Yeah, and I do think that’s so powerful that you said that. I’m even going to think on that because I, in the beginning of my business, I coached so much on pain. I was in so much pain. I was in the same place, like healing all the childhood trauma, healing all of the adult trauma that I created from the childhood trauma. And I was attracting a ton of clients who had that experience.

And so, I remember doing live retreats and coaching calls where I was holding the space for that pain. And that is a different experience than being coached into intentionally where you want to go. It’s not the same thing. And I think that, you know, now for the most part, most of what I’ve been coaching on for the last four years is where do people intentionally want to go?

And now, we’re in a time where everyone’s back in so much pain or it’s bringing up so much pain. And in the beginning, I tried to coach on it in the way that I’ve always coached on it, in my current place. And you just even jogged my memory of, like, wait a minute, there has to be space for the pain first, even if that, you know – even if you’re not truly a, quote unquote victim, you still experience trauma. You still experienced victimization.

And for some people, they are a victim of emotional abuse. I do think that’s a real thing; physical abuse, sexual abuse. Those are real things, real traumas that we experience. And coaching on that is such a different experience than – there’s a point where you just need to process that pain first all the way through. And that’s sometimes not even – and I’m curious your experience of it – but it’s not even one session most times.

Essence: Yeah, so when I first started, I used to do, like, four or five-session packages. And now, I won’t do that anymore because it’s kind of this idea of, like, one and done. And for some people with trauma, like, one of my clients, she has such extensive physical abuse, it literally took us 12 weeks to where she was at the place of like, “Oh my god, I really can forgive my mom. Like, I can see how all of my experiences have shaped me into who I am,” and just to reach that.

Because we want to get to a place of acceptance and gratitude around what happened. And that takes time. And there were times where – there was one session I had her get on the floor and just kick and yell and tell me what happened and just let her inner child come out. And it was so powerful. She’s like this powerful businesswoman, but that’s what she needed, to just be a child and throw a fit. And it was so healing. She would have never done that on her own.

Stacey: Yeah, or, like even having that – I don’t know if you’ve done this experience, where you go – I used to do this with my clients a lot – where you go back to that moment. And you have to be really careful. If you have trauma, I think it is really important to work with a trauma coach who specializes in that. So, if you are listening and you are like, “Whoa, I’ve never done anything like this, please reach out to us. You want someone that’s really done this work on themselves and on clients.

But there’s a time when you get the strength to go back to that moment and you even talk yourself through it, like you tell your child or, you know – I had a trauma when I was in my early 20s and I just coached with my coach on it yesterday. And she was like, “Okay, so our next step is we’re going to go back and we’re going to tell yourself that you’re okay. We’re going to go every moment through that.”

And even that experience feels so scary. Even thinking about it right now, talking to you, I’m like, “Whoa, I know that that’s our next step.” I don’t know that I’m even there yet. But it is such a powerful experience to bring that up in your mind, experience it, but be in a really safe space and tell yourself you’re safe because your brain literally holds onto that.

Essence: Yeah, so, definitely have done that. And I had a client who had sexual abuse in the home and we went back to those moments to heal her inner child. And it was very, very powerful. And that’s something she couldn’t have done on her own. And she tried to go to therapy but they just gave her pills. And what really needed to happen was her to feel and cry and be angry and be sad and experience that full range of emotions.

And just after the first session of us doing it, she was like, “This is what I needed,” at the end, “I don’t need any pills. This is what I needed.” And so, we had to do it multiple times for her to really feel free. And then she even shared her story on one of my circles where she had actually been holding it in and so much fear around talking about it because there was so much shame. But being able to process those emotions, she opened up in front of strangers and told them about how powerful coaching and healing is.

Stacey: Yeah, I think that’s so important. It’s like you can – being able to acknowledge it for yourself, then be able to have that conversation with a coach that can hold the space for you, and then eventually be able to tell other people, again, in a safe place where the space is being held, these are such important things to the healing process that I don’t think there’s any mainstream education out there on, really. No one’s talking about how to process pain in the world and we’re going through so much of it right now.

Essence: Absolutely. And I got in – I’m usually very even-keeled because I have healed and dealt with so many of my own deep emotions, that I’m just usually pretty even. And, like, last week, it was not even intentional tears which were coming. And I haven’t been heavily into social media or watching the news. Stuff is just coming up naturally.

And I’m just lying in the bed trying to go to sleep and I just started crying. It was just so amazing because I know just the power of what’s happening in the world now. It’s shaking up stuff. Even my neighbor just told me, she’s a yoga teacher, but she’s said over the weekend, her shadow stuff just started coming up. She’s like, where the heck is this coming from? But it’s just what’s happening for us right now.

Stacey: It’s like the collective consciousness. It’s like bringing it all up. And I think the pandemic has contributed as well to that, right? This is the perfect storm.

Essence: That was the setup.

Stacey: It was like, I mean, just easing you into the pool. Stay in your house and speak to no one.

Essence: Exactly.

Stacey: Put yourself, you know, away from the world for a couple of months because we’ve got some shit to do.

Essence: Exactly, oh my gosh. I didn’t know it was this. I thought it was going to stir up people’s stuff just from being at home and them not really having, you know many distractions. But I was not expecting this.

Stacey: Yeah. So, what advice – could you speak a little bit on the collective pain that people are experiencing as a whole? And then, can you speak to our Black listeners who might really be struggling and feel like they haven’t had coach guidance to help them through this?

Essence: So, as a collective – and again, I can really just speak for me – it’s like we’ve been crying out and speaking out for years and not being heard. And then, for these people’s lives to keep being taken and not being heard, and then this last life, it was just like the straw that broke the camel’s back.

And I’m sure there’s even a better analogy than that, but it’s just like it almost feels like, how much more can we take? And it just has brought up so much pain. And then, when you look at comments – so, we’re expecting everybody to feel like how we feel. And when you go and you read comments and there are people who really don’t care…

I posted something about the, “All lives matter.” Can we just stop saying all lives matter because all lives, of course, matter. But right now, all lives aren’t being killed and murdered or murdered and it’s being covered up. It’s Black lives. So, let’s focus there. All lives matter is not the focus right now.”

And this woman, she said, “Well all lives do matter, even animals. Why aren’t you talking about animals and killing animals?” And I’m like, she’s comparing – this is my interpretation – Black lives to animal’s lives. And this is how people think of us. And it was so hurtful.

And I forget that the world, you know, people think like this because I’m in my spiritual bubble, right? And so, this is what’s out there and this is what people think and people saying things like, “Black lives don’t matter,” and #whitelivesmatter. And it’s so hurtful because we just want to be seen. We just want to be heard.

And it’s painful when things like this happen. And we do remember, like, oh yeah, we are a little bit different. We are seen as being less than. That’s something that’s been hard for me because, again, being in this spiritual bubble and, you know, everything is namaste, you know…

Stacey: Everything is not namaste right now…

Essence: Exactly. And then, just being even me, my own guilt is being in this spiritual bubble because in radical forgiveness, one of the things is, you know, there are no accidents. Everything is all divine. And so, I can live in that 5D place and forget about the pain that people are actually experiencing right here and now, and I just can’t spiritualize right now. I have to be with my pain and with my people’s pain.

Stacey: Yeah, well don’t you think, as the collective, we all need to be with our pain? Because I think that, what I’ve been thinking about, and again, I could be very wrong, but my own personal interpretation is there’s a lot of people who don’t want to face the pain and don’t want to experience the discomfort.

And I think, if we watered it down a lot, just in everything that’s happened since March, I think that we’re all experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort. It’s not all the same pain. So, I want to be really clear. But we’re experiencing discomfort. And the brain’s natural reaction is, “Avoid this. Hide from this. Run from this. Stomp over this. Don’t acknowledge this.”

And I don’t think that this is – when I say the perfect storm, we’re in a moment where I was telling my fiancée, you know, if you think about it, with the pandemic, everyone slowed down. Everyone’s at home. No one’s carrying on with normal life. So, everybody is at a place where we are watching, we are listening, and you can’t hide from it. You can’t avoid it.

And it’s being brought up. And of course, our brain is still trying to do that. It’s still trying to get out of the discomfort. But I do think we’re in a time where so many people are being with it and experiencing it. And I do think that coaching now is such an important place to just teach people how to feel negative emotion so that they don’t avoid it.

I think that’s the problem is, like, we’ve been avoiding it. We’ve been hiding from it, running from it, not acknowledging it. And the opposite is going to be required to make permanent change.

Essence: Yeah, and I think that’s the only way we can really heal as a collective because each of our individual pain is the collective pain and we’ve been suppressing it and that’s why this has gone on for so long. So, we all need to feel and process our pain so us Black people, yes, and even white people. Any pain that you feel, you are entitled to feel however you feel and not feel guilty about it because you’re not Black.

Like, “Why am I sad? I’m not Black.” But we all have inner pain and shame around slavery, around the way that this country has been ran and the ay that we’ve been divided. We all have pain around that. And I think, it just takes getting honest about what our individual pain is around that. And if we don’t have pain, even questioning that.

Stacey: I heard something. I don’t know who it was so I’ll get it wrong. There is a Black sports commenter on one of the sports shows. I don’t know his name just because I don’t know any of their names. Neil watches them. But he had called Drew Brees – I guess Drew Brees made a comment, which again, I don’t know what he said either. I was just like, over-watching, you know.

But Drew Brees had said something that really hurt him and they have called him and had a conversation. And the thing he said to me that was so interesting and really even opened my eyes was, he said, “Drew, we weren’t looking for you to be Drew Brees in the moment when you said that. We were looking for you to be Black with us. We were looking for you to have an experience where, if you were Black with us and you watched that happen and that would have happened to you and we were just looking for you to have a response as if it had happened to you.”

And I was like, “Whoa, wait a minute.” And that may not be for everybody. If I had just said that and if someone doesn’t agree with that, I don’t – it just hit me. Like, wait a minute, that’s what everyone’s saying is, “Did you experience this as if it happened to one of your own, as a member of your family? Did you experience it that way?” And if you didn’t – and I think you’re right – you have to ask yourself why, without shame, from a place of curiosity, “Why didn’t I experience that as if it happened to a member of my family? Why didn’t I experience it as if it happened to a member of my community?” I just think that’s a really interesting question. What are your thoughts about that?

Essence: One of the things that I’ll have people do when they don’t feel and they’re not feeling numb, I’ll say, “List five to seven things that have happened to you that closed your heart.” Because those are the things that are blocking you from really fully feeling. So, at some point, you put this wall up because we all have childhood traumas, no matter what color. But when you put that wall up, sometimes no matter what’s happening in the world, you’re not letting shit in, right?

And I think that that’s a lot of people that don’t see things the way we see them, that’s one of my responses. Like, their hearts are closed. They don’t know how to feel anymore. They stopped feeling a long time ago.

Stacey: Yeah, and I think that people say, “Well, if I’m feeling great, why should I go feel bad?” And I think that – and I’m curious what your answer is to that – but I think that I live by life is supposed to be 50-50 and, you know, when something like that happens, I want to be sad. I want to be strong enough to be able to step out of my joy, to feel pain, and come back to my joy when I’ve felt my pain all the way through.

Essence: Yeah, and I think in this community, I think that right now, this conversation is important about feeling because we do just want to jump to that next thought that’s going to help us to feel better or to help us continue to feel better, avoid how we’re feeling. But something happened in the moment that, like, your energy dropped for a second. You’re not really willing to explore it. You just want another thought so you don’t have to explore it. Does that make sense?

Stacey: Yeah, I think a lot of people do that. They’re looking for – that’s how they use coaching is to feel better, not to feel.

Essence: I don’t think that’s been you or Brooke’s intention, but I think that’s how us students learn it. I have, over the years where I’ve told you before, like, I had an LCS coach. And when I’m fully in LCS, in 2K, like this type of modality, I’m all in my head and I don’t let myself feel. I’m trying to get to the next thought to feel better.

And so, now realizing that – and so this is like this balance, like I would lose balance. I’m way in my head or I’m in my feelings and I can’t get to a balance. And so, now, I didn’t realize it before, but now I realize, I have to be able to balance the two. And you’re not saying to choose one or the other, but in my mind, that’ always the way that I saw it. This work is all cerebral and I can see what my feeling is, to give me some more ideas on my thoughts and actions, but not really feel it to process it. Does that make sense?

Stacey: Yeah, 100% I think a lot of people do think that, especially working with the model, that it is very cerebral. I’ve been thinking I could even do a better job teaching because I actually experience most things through my body first. But a lot of people, I think, when I’m teaching are able to understand it logically first. So, that’s kind of the place that we go.

And everybody’s different. But some people, it’s like, that’s the window they have to go into, is through the mind. And some people do it better in the body. And so, I’m always saying, you know, how you know if you’ve really done the work is you get up and you feel completely different, like you’ve had a shift inside of your body.

And I’ve been teaching a lot, even with selling, on you have to find the place of graspy in your body. You have to find the place of judgment in your body and let your body tell you where your mind is. Because I think some people struggle with knowing what their body is telling them and some people struggle with knowing what their brain is telling them. And I think it’s important to figure out which one you are and do the work from either place. That’s the hardest place to do it from.

Essence: Totally. And even if you get there through your mind, but when you identify that feeling, giving yourself time to be with it, to feel it and not be afraid of it because there is just so much more lightness and beauty on the other side of that feeling. Because it’s going to come back, just disguised as another thought.

Stacey: Yeah, 100%. And this is something I’ve been talking about even – I mean, all year I feel like I’ve been telling people this. It started when I told someone that it took me four months to really truly believe in my price increase for my mastermind. And I worked really hard on becoming that person in all of my body, like feeling it through every ounce of me.

And someone was like, “Wait, why did it take you so long?” And it made me realize, people think that this is, like, actual change of belief and change of emotions in your body, that takes time. It can take me weeks sometimes to work through one specific thing. It’s not like I sit down for a 20-minute self-coaching session and done.

Sometimes, it takes me a week to work all the way through that, two weeks. Sometimes it takes months. Sometimes it takes years. You just have to start and be willing to do the work and work on the awareness of knowing where you are.

Essence: Absolutely, that’s what happened with me and my abandonment issues. It took me four months of working on my dad, consistently, sometimes multiple times a week, because I was just so committed to the getting to the other side of that. And I can’t tell you how many times I cried and beat pillows. But I was willing to continue to show up and feel that pain, to fully process it out of my body, to get to the place of loving him, regardless of him being in my life or not. That’s the place I wanted to get, to show up.

And that’s why it’s kind of easy – I don’t want to say easy because that was hard, being very vulnerable in front of everybody in the group. But it’s easier because I felt so many feelings and snot-cried so many times that I know the beauty on the other side that I’m always willing to show up and feel and cry because there’s just so much awareness on the other side.

And after our session and me feeling through my shame, it’s like I step into this leadership role and I’ve been posting and talking about this stuff that I don’t normally talk about, race relations, as a pain that we feel. And I’ve just been showing up and sharing and speaking. It’s like something was unclogged by feeling through all that shame.

Stacey: Yeah, so what Essence is referring to, for those of you listening, is I coached Essence on shame that she was feeling and it was so powerful for everybody in 2K because you really were so vulnerable and so willing to go all the way through processing that pain. Like, it was a full processing in a session. And it was so powerful, I think, for everybody to see because I don’t think that people are processing their emotions.

And we don’t always get to do that kind of work when we’re business coaching. But it all comes up when you’re especially selling coaching, right? Like, I think the people who aren’t selling coaching, a lot of times, is because they haven’t actually done this work. They haven’t done the work of processing their emotions and feeling their pain for whatever it is for them.

And you were such a great example of how to do that. And I also think that you helped a lot of the white coaches in the group understand deeply what was really going on.

Essence: Really, yeah, it was really nice to be well-received and read all their comments. Because I was, I was scared that they were going to hate me because of, you know, my deep shadow thoughts. I just received so much love and it was really good for everybody.

Stacey: Yeah. So, we had talked before we got on here that – and I’m wondering if you wanted to share this now, is also talking though about, in holding the space when people have pain, one of the things for everyone listening that’s so important is to make sure that you don’t go out and use someone’s pain without asking them, without – you don’t share someone’s story, you don’t – when we’re holding a space in a group, it’s so important than the space, the container stays in there.

It’s kind of like, what happens here stays here, unless there’s permission. Do you want to speak to that because I think that there are a lot of people that are willing to share their pain so vulnerably in many groups? And there are a lot of people who are very inspired by that pain and they want to go speak about that and help their people, but they don’t know what they don’t know. They don’t know how to handle someone else’s pain. Do you want to speak on that for a minute?

Essence: Yeah, so I shared my pain. I’ve been calling it my shame story. But I shared my pain, and then somebody wrote a blog about it and shared some of the things I was saying and their interpretation of the things I was saying. And again, it wasn’t anything bad, it’s just that that’s my story.

And so, then they asked for permission after they wrote it and after it was live. And so, when then they came and asked for permission afterwards, I just felt very violated. And violated for my privacy because I feel like, when we open up a safe space, that’s what that means. So, I just think that it means, the Vegas ting, what happens here stays here.

Stacey: The 2K motto; what happens here stays here.

Essence: Unless that person, in this case me, goes out and shares the whole story or pieces of it. and I did go out and make a live after, but only sharing, like a little small piece because I wasn’t comfortable with sharing all of the thoughts that I share din front of you ladies.

And so, yeah, so I felt very violated when somebody went out and did that without my permission. And as Black women, we have this thing already where we’re kind of told to – not just Black women. Black people in general, you don’t tell what happens in your momma’s house. That’s just something you don’t do.

So, we stuff things down and we hold it in and we have a lot of repressed anger and sadness that we don’t feel safe to share with anybody else. And I do think that’s one thing that holds us back as a collective is so then we don’t allow ourselves to feel, to share, and to open up because we don’t feel safe to.

And then, so it’s important to know that when we’re open – and I encourage my sisters and brothers to share because this is how we release, this is how we heal. But as you’re holding space for people sharing, please make sure that it’s a safe space and what they say only stays in that container where you get their permission before you share.

But I would just say, it should just stay in that container. Or maybe invite them to guest blog or onto your podcast, wherever you want to share that information. Invite them to come and share.

Stacey: Yeah, I think that’s so important for everyone to hear because I do think that – you know, something I’ve been thinking about is that I do believe inherently most people have very good intentions. We don’t mean to hurt people, most of the time. We’re just saying, most of the time. But there is so much education that is missing and, actually, let me just say, it’s not missing. We haven’t gone looking for it.

And so, you know, I think that it is important for anybody in any group, and I think for anything, if you share anything of pain, we have to be really careful that we don’t go out – I was telling Essence before we got on here that I grab stuff all the time from the 2K page and share it on my IG stories. But it’s always celebrations, like, “I made my 2K back.” Stuff like that.

But for everything that’s been shared in the past couple of weeks, I’m like, do I have permission to share this? Can I? And I even think if you’re going to share someone’s work, you want to ask them permission. But also, you want to highlight them.

When we share our Black leaders in 2K on my IG and on my Facebook, when we do that this week, we’re linking up websites. We’re linking up IG handles. We’re linking up Facebook links. We’re encouraging my audience to hire the coaches that were featured, not just listen to their expertise and take something from it, but hire them. And I think it’s really important to also – so, you want to get permission, if something inspires you, I would just say from anyone. Let’s just be safe…

Essence: I agree. No matter what color, if it’s something of pain, yeah, you get permission. And then, I also want to point out, again, being in this cerebral environment, when I first felt violated, I’m reaching out to people asking, “If this happened, how would you feel?” I’m not giving myself permission to feel how I felt in that moment because I’m thinking, “Well this is my interpretation of what she did,” you know.

I could have moved past it so much faster if I could have just let myself feel like I felt in that moment. But it kept me up all night and then I processed earlier today, and now I can speak about it from a more lighthearted space.

Stacey: Yes, that’s so important that you said that, 100%. I call it spiritually bypassing, but where we – like, I read an email today that I felt like – the only thing I can describe is horror. I read it and I felt so much disgust and horror and I wanted to just physically vomit.

And I remember thinking, “No, no, no this person did not hurt your feelings. You are doing this in your brain.” And then I had this moment of, like, “But wait a minute, I do know that logically and I can get there and I will get there. I will get there like I will own this.” It’s like when Brooke teaches if someone told you that you had blue hair and you didn’t have it and you didn’t believe it, it would not be a problem and other people don’t cause our pain.

But if the thought is already there and you’re already feeling it in your body, you have to process that first all the way through before you decide. And I do think you get to decide. You don’t have to subscribe to, “Other people don’t cause your pain.” I think you can decide if you want to if that serves you moving forward, to take ownership over your thought about it and how you felt.

But I do think it’s really important what you said. And I just want to make sure we, like, stamp that into the ground, that you have to feel the pain first, You have to process the emotion first, so matter how long that takes, even if it was something small that you don’t think should have had that big of an impact on you. You’ve got to feel it first, then you get to decide, what serves me the most? Do I want to be angry at this person? Do I want to take ownership of my thoughts? Do I want to go teach on this? Once I’m complete and I’ve processed, then I can decide what I want to do next and be in control of that decision.

Essence: Absolutely, and I just said, I journaled about why I felt – I just let myself just journal. And then I put my hand on my heart, just to give you guys a little practice, and I just said, “I feel violated. I feel violated,” a few times. And the more I allowed myself to say it and feel it, it just dissipated. And then I’m like, “Okay, I can go get in the shower now.”

Stacey: Yeah, and I want to also say, there’s nothing wrong with having boundaries.

Essence: Okay, yeah.

Stacey: Like, I’ve had stuff of mine – this is not hurt pain, but I have had intellectual property of mine shared on coaching sites before without being credited. And I’m going to do a podcast on this because I’ve decided that I love to be credited.

And I reached out to the community and I said, “Hey, I’m not okay with this being shared without being credited. If you wouldn’t mind, you know, either taking it down or making sure I receive credit, that’s where I’m at.” And I think you can have boundaries like that. I think you can reach out and say, “Hey, for the future, just make sure you get permission. I’m not okay with this.”

Essence: Yeah, I definitely did not – I was making myself wrong for feeling like that. You do need to make that podcast. We need to hear it.

Stacey: Boundaries and credit. I have a list. Okay, so, as we wrap this up, you are brilliant, like seriously so brilliant. I do want to acknowledge you for being vulnerable and sharing your pain in our group for our other Black students to be able to start to process theirs as well and, just as an example of what’s possible as a leader, as a teacher. I truly have never seen such an incredible response in my community to support for someone. And I think that that’s a start. That changes all of us. So, I just want to acknowledge you for being such a leader in our community.

Essence: Thank you. Thank you for the space. Thank you for it all. It hasn’t even been a week yet and it’s been lifechanging.

Stacey: And I want to encourage everyone that has pain that you want to work on and process through, I 100% promise you, I was just telling Essence – maybe I said this on the podcast or before – I just worked with my coach on some stuff that I haven’t processed from my 20s. And it’s not going to be the only call at all. It felt like the tip of the iceberg and I felt so raw last night and I feel so raw today.

And I was thinking about this. It’s like the little stuff like that that you don’t think is important when you go to make an offer, when you go to sell your coaching. But if it doesn’t come up in the beginning of your business, it will come up at some point. And I do think that all of that stuff, you want to work through.

So, if you’re having pain now from the collective, if you’re having pain now as a Black coach in this industry, if you’re having pain from any childhood trauma, I just want to encourage you to reach out to Essence and do a consult with her and see how she can help you. Because I’m in fucking awe of your story. I’m so blown away.

You have really walked the line of integrity and I can see the work shining through and now leading by example in 2K. So, I’m profoundly honored to be your coach and to have you as part of my community.

Essence: Thank you so much. It feels really good being recognized and heard. Thank you.

Stacey: Yeah, you are. So much so. Thank you for being on today. And we’re going to make sure that we put all of your information on how to reach out to you in the show notes. But if someone’s not reading the show notes, how can they find you quickly?

Essence: Instagram, I’m @beautifulhappygoddess, at Facebook the same, Beautiful Happy Goddess, and my website is essenceturner.com.

Stacey: So, essenceturner.com or @… say it one more time.

Essence: @beautifulhappygoddess.

Stacey: @beautifulhappygoddess, awesome, thank you so much for being on today.

Essence: You are so welcome. Bye.

Stacey: Bye.

Hey, if you are ready to make money as a life coach, I want to invite you to join my 2K for 2K program, where you’re going to make your first $2000, the hardest part, and then $200,000 using my proven formula. It’s risk-free. You either make your 2K or I give you your 2K back. Just head over to www.staceyboehman.com/2kfor2k. We’ll see you inside.

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